Part One Intermezzo.

Actions and Emotions

            Sometimes I wonder why people are so impressed by the action of someone that seems kind, nice, and attentive. I do get bothered when people tell me like so, they are fascinated by those certain actions which in my opinion is very normal, and is the most logical thing to do in that certain situation. When I simply asked one of my friends a question like “are you okay?” they showed a happy face and were surprised by my question. On the other side, I just did it because of spontaneity without second thought at all. They said I’m nice and I said that I was just normal and isn’t that how people should act in the first place? I still do think that good behaviour is  needed and is not extraordinary at all, it is just how things should be.

            Emotions were a big part in making my every decision, either it was for something important or something as trivial as waking up.  Good moods were one of the things that made me up and running full of these good vibes which gave me some energy (as cringy as it is, it’s true). That one day when I felt this overwhelmingly positive energy made me happy and got me doing my chores twice faster, made me do some exercise which I rarely even do and made my decisions faster. It felt really good even though I become exhausted at night.

            Bad moods do negatively impact my actions making me more violent and sensitive towards other people and the surroundings. When I usually don’t care, became my center of attention in that moment. Energy was still there for the entire day, but my mind became unclear and not as sharp as it used to be. Days end with me sleeping angrily but not that bad. 

            Based on these experiments I decided that there should be some moderation and a high level of control of my own emotions. But these plans did not carry out easily as I expected, there are times when I just become completely poker faced. The dilemmas started erupting from myself because me knowing that sometimes if I can’t catch the emotions and “resonate” towards them, which made sort of somebody who is left out in the crowd. Felt weird to be honest when I just get left out on the conversation because I was too serious on their jokes and intentionally weak arguments.

            But as time went by my skills for controlling my emotions became better to the point that I don’t even feel like I’m trying to control my emotions anymore. I’ve earned the “forms” that I use as my blueprint of my actions from learning via YouTube, experience, and from my friends’ stories. I see the bigger picture of the story, see what action was and can be taken and what the effects would be. I learn that when striking a deal or serious talk I should be as precise as possible and not make it during a euphoria, or when I’m not in the best condition. I learnt to not feel too much pity towards other people to avoid them to use my kindness for their own good. 

            I am the kind of person who likes to do as less actions as possible when expressing my emotions. When people say something surprising I automatically say “oh wow” in a flat tone, people think that I’m being sarcastic but that just how I express how fazed I was. I remember that one time I tried to release all of my anger without saying or doing anything. I just let it go, emotions just fled out of me in an anime-ish manner was how I saw it. I thought that the best way to express anger would be to consciously manage it, not to fuel my actions but to just letting it all go.